i needed to think about this, and it’s true. i would rather have all of my oh wells, than all of my what ifs.

because before, my what ifs drove me crazy. every day i would think what if i didn’t feel so trapped. what if i could actually do what i liked. what if i was allowed out clubbing. what if he really was going to break up with me in september just because he couldn’t deal with me moving away. what if being with someone else would make me happier. what if i was to become the slut that i was always told i was.

so then i got to do what i liked. i untrapped myself and i did what i wanted. well, not necessarily what i wanted but what i was made out to be. i went out clubbing. and we broke up before september. i made myself believe that i wasn’t supposed to be with him and i made myself believe i was a slut and i did everything i was made out to be.

i thought these things all the time. because i was forced to think them all the time. and so in a way i made all of my what ifs come true.

and now they are all my oh wells.

because knowing that they are just mistakes in my life, they are mistakes that i have learnt from. i’m smarter and wiser and i have learnt so much from them. i learnt that i don’t want to be with anybody else on this planet other than the first person i ever truly loved. i’ve learned that if you tell me i am a slut, i’m going to believe it. if you tell me i’m a bad person, i will believe it. im not the type of person to feel the need to prove anyone wrong. i learnt that i could be free and not trapped, and that i could actually be myself around people and people liked me for being myself. and no one was around to tell me off or bring me down.

but i’ve also learned the saddest thing. and it’s that if i believed in myself a little more, and didn’t believe the things that i was told, that i wouldn’t be in this place after all, i would most likely be happy and i would still have my boyfriend.

but if i didn’t do all of these things, how would i have found myself again? i have made mistakes. if i didn’t make the ‘oh wells’ that i did, then i wouldn’t feel so sure of myself and everything i feel right now.

but if i think about it, i never really had to be made to feel that way. but i was, and i did. so this is how it turned out. not pretty, and i’m a mess. i’m sad every day and i cry every day and i just want everything to one day be better. 

(Source: lovequotesrus)